I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
