I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
