Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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