Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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