If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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