Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
