You don't have asthma, your pregnant
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
