A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
