ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
drinking out of a sandbucket again
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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