Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
