I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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