i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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