I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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