He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
we're so committed to being not committed
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize