Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
