Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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