do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
