I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Such a big mess for such a small penis
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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