I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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