My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
