Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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