i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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