There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
