Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
