I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
