Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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