I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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