We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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