I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
