Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I licked your asshole in confidence.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
