It's Friday. Sex?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
