It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
