My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
