omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
