Your face is a jimmy john
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
