Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
