I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Randomize
