Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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