So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
