Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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