I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
