The best revenge is premature balding
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
