It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
