hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
