Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
