There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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