i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
