I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize