Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
