Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Life without a bra equals bliss.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
