My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
