so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
