Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
