I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
