I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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