u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
