I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
