I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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