So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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