Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
