I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
