If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
how drunk are you?
Several
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
