nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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